In an age of political correctness that requires us to change the names of our sports teams, refer to everyone as “something”-challenged and yes, the song is now “baa baa HAPPY sheep have you any wool …”, why do we continue to celebrate Columbus Day?
They say when you are trying to figure out who did something, you should “follow the money”. So, who benefits the most from Columbus Day? Why it’s government workers and bank tellers. Well, we know government workers can’t be the masterminds behind this diabolical plot. They spend $600 on a hammer and it takes 5 of them to dig a hole on the side of the road. That leaves only the bank tellers.
But the final proof that it has to be bank tellers: We don’t get anything on Columbus Day. At least on President’s Day I get an unbelievable deal on a mattress. Who gives their customers less than banks? True story, years ago I won the grand prize at my bank’s customer appreciation celebration (which shall remain nameless, but it sounds a lot like Tank of Emerica). The grand prize: a $50 savings bond. My first thought was that it didn’t seem like much of a “grand” prize especially from a multi-national corporation that makes billions of dollars. But hey, $50 is $50. But when I went to collect my new found fortune, I was informed by the teller that it only worth $5 today, but that it would be worth its full $50 value in 5 years! I get better prizes from the kids down the street who are selling lemonade for a quarter. But I digress …
I did some research and discovered some interesting facts. The history books claim that Columbus’ expedition was to discover a better trade route to the West Indies. But I am here to tell you, faithful reader, that he was simply trying to find a shortcut to work! He wasn't some great explorer. He was the a$%hole who drives down the lane that is ending and then tries to merge at the last second. Why can't we have a holiday for someone that greatly helped mankind. Like the guy who invented beer or the guy who figured out how to make beef jerky.
For now, we are stuck with Columbus Day. So, in the true spirit of this day, I suggest that you take a different way to work tomorrow. When you pass something that you haven’t seen before and doesn’t actually belong to you, jump out of your car and stick a flag in it whilst declaring, “I claim this (fill in the blank) in the name of (your name)!!! Just be careful if the actual owners come out to see what the heck you are doing. You could end up owing them a bunch of casinos!
Again, I hope that, in some small way, this will help you to now live fuller, richer lives.
If you want to go by eastern folks discovering the Americas, the Celts, Africans, Chinese, and Norse made it here before Columbus did.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to go by the reality, then the "native" Americans found the place first.
Either way, your lazy, greedy, European douche bag didn't even come close to being the first. After him, though, it was like discovering your well-trodden neighborhood whore for the "first time". Chris founded nothing but the slave trade and the raping/pillaging of the residents of this "new" world.
That was mighty white of him...