Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Got Crappy Gift?
I have discovered that a fair-sized portion of our society are crappy gift givers.
You disagree do you? Then explain to me why they only run Chia Pet commercials during Christmas? Let's just invent a fruitcake that you can grow grass on and be done with it!
Happy National Kazoo Day!!
I ask you, how useless is a kazoo? It's as much a musical instrument as that damn clicking toy that comes in a happy meal. People who play the kazoo get smack talked by recorder players!! And speaking of useless, remember that it takes an act of Congress to get your own "national" day.
I present to you, fellow senators, National Kazoo day. All in favor? So SUCK ON THAT, recorder boy!!!
Emus vs. Emos
Ladies and gentlemen,
In the center ring, I present to you: "The Battle of Words that Almost sound the Same". In one corner: Emus (a large Australian bird) and in the other: Emos (a needy teenager). Let's break down the match up.
- Emus have talons which they use to attack other animals. Emos have small knives and razor blades which they use to cut themselves. Advantage: Emos
- Emus are nomadic and roam the countryside looking for any and all food. Emos roam from mall to mall looking for any and all attention. Advantage: Emus
- Male Emus make a grunting sound like a pig and females make a loud booming sound. Emos only make a particular whiny sound: lifsux, lifsux, lifsux. Advantage Emus
- Emus are the second largest bird in the world after the ostrich. Emos are the second weirdest people in school after the goth. Advantage: Push
- Emus are flightless birds. Emos are jobless people. But they can get a haircut and change their clothes. Advantage: Emos
- Emus are solitary creatures, but when they do flock, they just all gather where food is. Emos, too, are solitary creatures, but when they flock, it is to hang at the food court. Advantage: Emus
Winner: Emus
Did you think it would go any other way? Really.
Bank Tellers Rule the World!
In an age of political correctness that requires us to change the names of our sports teams, refer to everyone as “something”-challenged and yes, the song is now “baa baa HAPPY sheep have you any wool …”, why do we continue to celebrate Columbus Day?
They say when you are trying to figure out who did something, you should “follow the money”. So, who benefits the most from Columbus Day? Why it’s government workers and bank tellers. Well, we know government workers can’t be the masterminds behind this diabolical plot. They spend $600 on a hammer and it takes 5 of them to dig a hole on the side of the road. That leaves only the bank tellers.
But the final proof that it has to be bank tellers: We don’t get anything on Columbus Day. At least on President’s Day I get an unbelievable deal on a mattress. Who gives their customers less than banks? True story, years ago I won the grand prize at my bank’s customer appreciation celebration (which shall remain nameless, but it sounds a lot like Tank of Emerica). The grand prize: a $50 savings bond. My first thought was that it didn’t seem like much of a “grand” prize especially from a multi-national corporation that makes billions of dollars. But hey, $50 is $50. But when I went to collect my new found fortune, I was informed by the teller that it only worth $5 today, but that it would be worth its full $50 value in 5 years! I get better prizes from the kids down the street who are selling lemonade for a quarter. But I digress …
I did some research and discovered some interesting facts. The history books claim that Columbus’ expedition was to discover a better trade route to the West Indies. But I am here to tell you, faithful reader, that he was simply trying to find a shortcut to work! He wasn't some great explorer. He was the a$%hole who drives down the lane that is ending and then tries to merge at the last second. Why can't we have a holiday for someone that greatly helped mankind. Like the guy who invented beer or the guy who figured out how to make beef jerky.
For now, we are stuck with Columbus Day. So, in the true spirit of this day, I suggest that you take a different way to work tomorrow. When you pass something that you haven’t seen before and doesn’t actually belong to you, jump out of your car and stick a flag in it whilst declaring, “I claim this (fill in the blank) in the name of (your name)!!! Just be careful if the actual owners come out to see what the heck you are doing. You could end up owing them a bunch of casinos!
Again, I hope that, in some small way, this will help you to now live fuller, richer lives.
Your Mom's so ugly, she makes a muffin look good
I was in the coffee shop the other day looking at the food inside the glass case when it struck me: Aren't muffins just ugly cupcakes! Sure, they try and sprinkle sugar on the top, but that’s not enough. Do you think while the muffins are all huddled together on the shelf, they are whispering to each other about what a bunch of stuck up bi%$&es the cupcakes are? If you don’t believe me, consider the following:
- Seinfeld didn’t do a show on why no one likes the bottoms of cupcakes.
- They don’t have to add nuts, fruit or more sugar to cupcakes to get people to eat them.
- Have you ever seen a whole wheat cupcake?
- Nobody says that a girl in low cut jeans has a “cupcake top”. (btw, could there be anything better for a young girl’s rock-solid self confidence like a pair of jeans that can make a 6 foot tall, 106 pound model look fat.)
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