Mr Stinky Joe's

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Strange Order of Things

Ever since we were all little kids, we have been taught to watch our hands after we go to the potty. So the other day after I went tinkle, I started washing my hands as usual and I started to think: "Wouldn't it make more sense to wash my hands BEFORE I went pee pee."

Think about it. I know that "Lil Rob" took a shower this morning with plenty of hot water and soap and then has spent the day comfortably resting in total isolation in his 100% cotton brief home. On the other hand, my hands have had to deal with three children, a dog, the dishes, the trash and any other assortment of potential bacterial nightmares. In fact, if "Lil Rob" didn't spend a large majority of his day focused on trying to accomplish one very specific activity (regardless of how small the odds), I would argue that he would demand that my hands wash themselves before diving in there and "taking him for a walkiez".

Well, as you know, I am not just about reporting the facts, I am about getting you the answers. I therefore encourage you to join my new organization PETG (People for the Ethical Treatment of Genitalia) as we start a change in the way America goes to the restroom. The Golden Rule: Wash your hands BEFORE and AFTER you go potty. That way "Lil Rob" and others will receive the fair treatment they so richly deserve.

As always, I hope that this has been informative, possibly entertaining and at least has made your life richer for the experience.

Good night and God bless.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Shake it Up

With the rapid approach of the gift giving holidays, I felt it was time to speak out against the senseless shaking of gifts. How did we, as a society, decide that this was the accepted form of gift deduction? And why do we feel the need to guess what the present is anyway? If you do guess correctly, you don't get a bonus present.

In reality, all you do is piss off the person that gave you the gift. He or she go to all the trouble of picking out the perfect gift, wrapping it just so and giving it to you and you return the favor by grabbing it, shaking it vigorously and then telling them what it is. Thanks. Personally, I believe this is the #1 reason for the proliferation of gift cards in small gift bags. Ya, try and shake that Jerk!

More importantly, it is a good thing that this barbaric practice has been limited to giving of gifts. Think of the ramifications if we used this method to guess everything. "Congratulations Mrs. Smith you have a beautilful baby ... SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ... boy?"

In this age of tiny, expensive electronic devices, we must stop this insane practice. I suggest that the next time you encounter a "Gift Shaking Nostradamus", wait until they make their guess, then yell "WRONG!" as you quickly grab the gift out of their hands. You than get to keep the gift. This will make them think twice about the next gift if there is suddenly the risk of losing the present for an incorrect guess.

As always, I hope this will allow you to live a fuller, richer life.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

What is the Second Coolest Letter?

There is no debate that the letter X is the coolest letter in the alphabet. In fact, you pretty much can take anything and put the letter X in front of it and it immediately becomes much cooler; Games becomes X-Games, Men become X-Men, Box becomes xBox. Shoot, laundry becomes X-Laundry. You suddenly want to see what going on in the dryer? Don't you?

But if the letter X is the coolest letter in the alphabet, what is the second coolest letter?

W. One word: LAIR. It's not double U, it's double V.

Q. You have to admit, Q leads a pretty interesting life until you realize that it's always hanging around with the letter U. What's up with that. Is it a Bert and Ernie thing? I think Q has co-dependency issues so it's out.

Z. Now we are getting there. The problem with Z is that it's pretty cool, but it's never around. How many words start with the Z other than zoo and zebra. What like 3? It's like it's Willem Dafoe or something. And when it gets used in the middle of a word, there's always 2 of them. You got to stand alone, playa.

The answer is the letter Y. Why? you say. And I say exactly! What other letter is it's own question? A, I guess, if you live in Canada. But that doesn't count. They pronoun Z, zed.

Here is a list of the rest of the reasons that Y is the second coolest letter:

Look at the order of the alphabet. Y has X's back.
Sometimes it's a consonant, sometimes it's a vowel. Y goes both ways and doesn't let itself be labeled. That's hot!
And finally, it's basically the letter V, but with a wang.

If those reasons don't seal the deal, I don't know what will. If you think you have a case for another letter, I would like to hear it?

Friday, March 4, 2011

How Much is a Buttload?

I was in the grocery store the other day when I overheard this guy ask his freind, "How many beers do we want to get?" His friend responded with the phrase, let's just say,"A Buttload!" That made me think, how much is a buttload?

I know that we would all agree that one or two beers certainly isn't a buttload. I also know MOST of us would agree that 100 beers is a buttload. So, if I have 100 beers and I take one away, do I still have a buttload? Of course. What if I take another beer? Yep. If I keep taking away beers, eventually I will be down to a single beer. Which we have already determined is NOT a buttload. So, again I ask, "How much is a buttload?"

Well it turns out that this is what is known as the sorites paradox (from Greek: σωρείτης sōreitēs, meaning "heaped up") which is a paradox that arises from vague predicates. Well, as most of you know, I’m just not here to ask the important questions, but to get you the answers you need.

And that answer is the "Set a Fixed Boundary" theory of quantifying a vague predicate. Don't be bringing your Supervaluationism or Epistemicism theories up in here or I'll slap that scientific calculator out of your hand, punk ... Anyhow, the English Oxford Dictionary defines a "butt-load" as a unit of measure equal to "about six seams", which amounts to roughly 450 gallons or 4800 beers. Unfortunately, that number just doesn't work in the real world.

Now I'm right back where I started and so I am forced to turn to you, valued reader, for your advice. "How much is a buttload?" and how did you arrive at that number?

Friday, December 10, 2010

Stephen Colbert Portrait Contest

For those of you who watch the Colbert Report know, Stephen is having a contest were you are to take an image of his portrait and add something to it to make it more "artsy". Because Stephen Colbert's portrait is on the avant-garde, it needed something that, in it's day, rivaled Colbert's portrait in forward thinking and had the ability to push the boundaries of what we know as art. Oh, and to piss people off!

So here it is, simply titled: Avant-garde Colbert!

For those of you who may not be old enough enough to remember, just Google: Mapplethorpe bullwhip butt.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Napari sent you a message

Napari Faith - October 27, 2010 at 2:43pm

(Apparently she is from the future because I received this on October 26th)

Hi, How are you doing today? I am new to the site and after going though your page, i find it very interesting and i would love to talk more with you and see where it it goes. I am looking for a date, companion and someone to have some fun with. I love boating, fishing, camping, billiards, bowling, roller blading, rock climbing. I like sitting on a pier and watching the sun go down ... blah, blah, blah.

So this is the "vibe" that my profile page is giving off? Interesting. Well, ladies you have been WARNED! Do not read my Facebook profile page or this could happen to you. One question: Is it considered bad form to bring my wife and 3 kids on our date?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Weathermen vs. Porn Stars

Okay, as you can tell from the title, I have chosen to speak on a topic that immediately invokes the issues of decency, morality and ethics. But I find the more you talk openly about a subject the more you can first truly understand it and then judge the hell out of it. So here goes: I hate weathermen.

But to be fair, let’s break down the details by comparing them to another one of life’s bad career decisions, porn stars.

You don’t have to wait a day to see if the porn star did his job right. Winner: Porn Star

You don’t make a weather report more interesting by adding more people to the broadcast. You just make it more crowded. Winner: Weatherman

You don’t have to keep coming up with new fake technology to make people watch porn. “With Super Doppler 5000, we can give you the exact weather right down to your street!” Well so can I … by looking out the window. Winner: Porn Star

Weathermen can honestly answer the question, “What do you do for a living?” Winner: Weatherman

Porn stars don’t try and make their job seem more important by calling themselves fornicalogists. Winner: Porn Star

Weathermen don’t make me feel inadequate. I mean … a friend of mine. Anyway … Winner: Weatherman

Pornos don’t have to be certified by some bogus society to make them appear more legit. Winner Porn Star

The Weather Channel is on my hotel TV 24 hours a day for FREE! Winner: Weatherman

They have never interrupted my favorite TV show to show me, “A developing porn situation”. Although, I bet the chance of surprise porn would triple ratings. I’m looking at you NBC. Winner: Porn Star

Which is worst, fake porn names or fake weatherman names. How seriously can you expect us to take you, when you have to use a fake name that consists of things that are in your job? Winner: Porn Star

And the winner is: Porn Star.

I always try and give you a solution to the aforementioned problem. But not this time. So instead, I give you a little light-hearted fun you can have at your next party. You can play the game: What would my porn name or weatherman name be. This is how is works:

Your porn name: Your middle name + the street you live on. If you don;t have a middle name ... well blame your parents. I mean really, who doesn't give their child a middle name? But for this game you automatically get Steele (guys) and Busty (girls). Mine would be, Roger Copernicus!

Your weatherman name: The city you live in + the plural form of any weather occurrence. BUT, you can’t have more than 3 syllables. So if you live in a city that has 3 or more syllables, you have to come up with some cool nickname for that city. For example, Jacksonville would be J’ville. Mine would be, Raleigh Rains!

Since I know this didn't make you wiser or enrich your life, I will just hope it made you laugh.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Happy Cinco de Junio Everyone!

In the spirit of Cinco de Mayo (which is not Mexico's Independance Day), I have decided to make up Cinco de Junio. Like most holidays, it has been created solely for the purpose of getting out of work and into drinking beer.

So what does Cinco de Junio celebrate? Uuummmm, how about the discovery of beef jerky. Yes, in 1747, Brazilian explorers discovered the now extinct, Jerky-Jerky plant in the rain forests of southern Brazil. They quickly learned that by eating the bark of this wonderful plant, their stomachs could stay full for as long as 12 Bolas-Bolas journeys. Which today is the equivalent of 3 football, 5 basketball or 1 baseball game. Provided, of course, that the men could also consume liquids during that time.

So, in honor of those great Brazilian explorers, we will celebrate Cinco de Junio by drinking beer, eating beef jerky and trying to watch an entire baseball game not involving the Yankees, Red Sox or Cubs.

As always, I hope this has made your life richer for the experience. Although probably not.

Stay away from Nashville!

Here is an image that I found in a video off of YouTube. So here's the game, think up the funniest or most clever headline you can and post it in the comment section. The winner will receive a year's supply of NOTHING. But you will get to bask in the glory that you are my funniest friend, for now! Good Luck!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Got Crappy Gift?

I have discovered that a fair-sized portion of our society are crappy gift givers.

You disagree do you? Then explain to me why they only run Chia Pet commercials during Christmas? Let's just invent a fruitcake that you can grow grass on and be done with it!

So anyway, leave me a comment below and tell me what was the crappiest gift you ever received, or better yet, gave.

Happy National Kazoo Day!!

I ask you, how useless is a kazoo? It's as much a musical instrument as that damn clicking toy that comes in a happy meal. People who play the kazoo get smack talked by recorder players!! And speaking of useless, remember that it takes an act of Congress to get your own "national" day.