Shake it Up

With the rapid approach of the gift giving holidays, I felt it was time to speak out against the senseless shaking of gifts. How did we, as a society, decide that this was the accepted form of gift deduction? And why do we feel the need to guess what the present is anyway? If you do guess correctly, you don't get a bonus present.

In reality, all you do is piss off the person that gave you the gift. He or she go to all the trouble of picking out the perfect gift, wrapping it just so and giving it to you and you return the favor by grabbing it, shaking it vigorously and then telling them what it is. Thanks. Personally, I believe this is the #1 reason for the proliferation of gift cards in small gift bags. Ya, try and shake that Jerk!

More importantly, it is a good thing that this barbaric practice has been limited to giving of gifts. Think of the ramifications if we used this method to guess everything. "Congratulations Mrs. Smith you have a beautilful baby ... SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ... boy?"

In this age of tiny, expensive electronic devices, we must stop this insane practice. I suggest that the next time you encounter a "Gift Shaking Nostradamus", wait until they make their guess, then yell "WRONG!" as you quickly grab the gift out of their hands. You than get to keep the gift. This will make them think twice about the next gift if there is suddenly the risk of losing the present for an incorrect guess.

As always, I hope this will allow you to live a fuller, richer life.

What is the Second Coolest Letter?

There is no debate that the letter X is the coolest letter in the alphabet. In fact, you pretty much can take anything and put the letter X in front of it and it immediately becomes much cooler; Games becomes X-Games, Men become X-Men, Box becomes xBox. Shoot, laundry becomes X-Laundry. You suddenly want to see what going on in the dryer? Don't you?

But if the letter X is the coolest letter in the alphabet, what is the second coolest letter?

W. One word: LAIR. It's not double U, it's double V.

Q. You have to admit, Q leads a pretty interesting life until you realize that it's always hanging around with the letter U. What's up with that. Is it a Bert and Ernie thing? I think Q has co-dependency issues so it's out.

Z. Now we are getting there. The problem with Z is that it's pretty cool, but it's never around. How many words start with the Z other than zoo and zebra. What like 3? It's like it's Willem Dafoe or something. And when it gets used in the middle of a word, there's always 2 of them. You got to stand alone, playa.

The answer is the letter Y. Why? you say. And I say exactly! What other letter is it's own question? A, I guess, if you live in Canada. But that doesn't count. They pronoun Z, zed.

Here is a list of the rest of the reasons that Y is the second coolest letter:

• Look at the order of the alphabet. Y has X's back.
• Sometimes it's a consonant, sometimes it's a vowel. Y goes both ways and doesn't let itself be labeled. That's hot!
• And finally, it's basically the letter V, but with a wang.

If those reasons don't seal the deal, I don't know what will. If you think you have a case for another letter, I would like to hear it?

How Much is a Buttload?

I was in the grocery store the other day when I overheard this guy ask his freind, "How many beers do we want to get?" His friend responded with the phrase, let's just say,"A Buttload!" That made me think, how much is a buttload?

I know that we would all agree that one or two beers certainly isn't a buttload. I also know MOST of us would agree that 100 beers is a buttload. So, if I have 100 beers and I take one away, do I still have a buttload? Of course. What if I take another beer? Yep. If I keep taking away beers, eventually I will be down to a single beer. Which we have already determined is NOT a buttload. So, again I ask, "How much is a buttload?"

Well it turns out that this is what is known as the sorites paradox (from Greek: σωρείτης sōreitēs, meaning "heaped up") which is a paradox that arises from vague predicates. Well, as most of you know, I’m just not here to ask the important questions, but to get you the answers you need.

And that answer is the "Set a Fixed Boundary" theory of quantifying a vague predicate. Don't be bringing your Supervaluationism or Epistemicism theories up in here or I'll slap that scientific calculator out of your hand, punk ... Anyhow, the English Oxford Dictionary defines a "butt-load" as a unit of measure equal to "about six seams", which amounts to roughly 450 gallons or 4800 beers. Unfortunately, that number just doesn't work in the real world.

Now I'm right back where I started and so I am forced to turn to you, valued reader, for your advice. "How much is a buttload?" and how did you arrive at that number?